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How do you make a kleenx dance?
Put a little boogie in it

I love that one every time that i hear it

a little old lady carried a huge bag of quarters in to the bank
and threw them up in front of the teller. the teller responded
wow thats alot of quarters did you hoard them all yourself?
the little old lady said naw my sister whored half of them...

what is 6 inches long people use it everyday ? answer toilet paper

Here's a knock-knock joke:

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad you used Dial? (from old the Dial Soap commercial)

HeeHeeHee!! Corny, is it not?

You guys are funny!

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread."
So the duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that."
"Got any bread?" asks the duck.
"No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!"
The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?"
"No," sighs the barman.
So the duck says..."Got any bread?"

There was a little boy named Jimmy. Everyday, after school, Jimmy would take his dog, Molly, for a walk.

One day Jimmy comes home from school and his mother tells him Molly can't go for a walk because she's in heat. Jimmy asked his mother, "What's heat?" His mother replied, "Your dad's out in the garage, go out there and ask him."

Jimmy goes out to the garage and says "Mom said Molly can't go for a walk because she's in heat. What's heat?"

His father took a shop rag and doused it with gasoline and rubs Molly's butt with it. Then Jimmy's dad said, "There you go, Jimmy, that ought to take care of it, go ahead and take Molly for a walk."

Jimmy was gone for about 1/2 hour and returned without Molly. His dad, wanting to know if the gasoline had worked asked Jimmy "Where's Molly?"

Jimmy replied "Molly ran out of gas a couple of blocks down the street and the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home."

SIGNS YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE!!!

- You answer the door before people knock.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

A woman and her two friends passed away in a tragic accident.
Together they arrived at the pearly gates where they noticed that there were small ducks everywhere.
An angel greeted them and warned them not to step on the ducks.
Well it soon happened that one of the women stepped on a duck.
The angel came back and chained the ugliest man that you could imagine to her and said that her punishment was to be chained to him for eternity.
More time passed and the second friend stepped on a duck and she received the same fate.
Then one day the angel appeared with the most gorgeous man she had ever seen and chained them together.
The woman asked the man what had happened and he replied "I stepped on a duck!"

OK, there a little boy who was failing math. His father tried to get his son to work harder in his math class - he tried to work with him, punish him, reward him, but the boy just wouldn't focus on his homework. Finally, the father told the son that he would have to send him to a private Catholic school to get his grades up. A couple of months later, the little boy was getting rave reviews from his math teacher and actually had the best grades of the class. The father was estatic and told his son, " Son, I am so proud of you - you really turned it around! Let me ask you, what made the difference for you? How did you do it?" The son replied, "Dad, when I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious!"

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Where Easter Eggs Come From

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"