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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

cambaby2, TOO FUNNY!!!

I can't remember if I put a joke here or not, but heard a clean joke today, so here it is :

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

A: Damn!

It was in a fortune cookie. It said:

"If you are still hungry
eat another fortune cookie"

anneandalan, acirema77,

i took up jogging just so I could hear heavy breathing again

One night the potato family sat down to dinner. Mother potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother she said, I have an announcement to make. And what might that be, said mother potato, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes. Well I'm getting married. Thats wonderful and who are you marrying? I'm marrying a russet, mother potato said a russet is a fine tater.
Then the middle daughter spoke up and said I am getting married too. Mother potato said with joy, who are you marrying? I'm marrying an Idaho, mother potato said an Idaho is a fine tater. Then the youngest daughter said I am getting married too, and mother potato said who are you marrying, I'm marrying Dan Rather, Dan Rather mother said, but he is just a common tater

OMG I love your chocolate eating smilies!! they remind me of myself!

For Eastern:

Satan-In-Law

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other ina frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."

Know what God Looks Like?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister replies, "Just water."

The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

In God's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.