CLOSED | Best Jokes | Free Contest at No Luck Needed | $30
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Closed- winner rebeccalynne123
TDTAT
Posts: 109270
Joined: Mar 11, 2006 7:06 pm
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 9:39 pm
These are hilarious!
NLNLoni
Posts: 426
Joined: Jun 16, 2008 5:59 am
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 1:20 am
Q: When do you know the blonde (I'm a blonde, so no offense!) was on the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
A: There's white-out on the screen.
You're just jealous because the voices talk to me!
NLNLoni
Posts: 426
Joined: Jun 16, 2008 5:59 am
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 1:24 am
~The Thermodynamics of Hell~
The following is an actual question given on a Universtiy of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the student wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we need to know the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of there religions state that if you are not a member of thier religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and deaths rates as high as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to be increasing exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the posulate given to me by Teresa Morrison during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
The following is an actual question given on a Universtiy of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the student wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we need to know the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of there religions state that if you are not a member of thier religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and deaths rates as high as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to be increasing exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the posulate given to me by Teresa Morrison during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
You're just jealous because the voices talk to me!
slamdoggie
Posts: 422
Joined: Jul 21, 2006 12:39 am
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 2:21 pm
woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
slamdoggie
Posts: 422
Joined: Jul 21, 2006 12:39 am
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 2:33 pm
What sexual position makes the ugliest
babies?
I dont know, ask yor mom.
babies?
I dont know, ask yor mom.
slamdoggie
Posts: 422
Joined: Jul 21, 2006 12:39 am
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 2:35 pm
There were these three men who were walking on a bridge.
They found a magic lamp and they all recieved one wish each.
The genie in the lamp said that when the make there wish, they must jump
off the bridge and they will recieve their wish. The first man wished to
be turned into a bird. He jumped off the bridge and turned into a beautiful parrot.
The second man wished to be a blade of grass. He jumped off the bridge and fell to the ground
as a blade of grass. As the third man was stepping up to the edge of the bridge to make his wish,
he tripped over a rock and screamed, " Shit!"
And as he fell to the ground, he was turned into a pile of shit.
They found a magic lamp and they all recieved one wish each.
The genie in the lamp said that when the make there wish, they must jump
off the bridge and they will recieve their wish. The first man wished to
be turned into a bird. He jumped off the bridge and turned into a beautiful parrot.
The second man wished to be a blade of grass. He jumped off the bridge and fell to the ground
as a blade of grass. As the third man was stepping up to the edge of the bridge to make his wish,
he tripped over a rock and screamed, " Shit!"
And as he fell to the ground, he was turned into a pile of shit.
TDTAT
Posts: 109270
Joined: Mar 11, 2006 7:06 pm
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 2:43 pm
slamdoggie, LOL!!!!
TDTAT
Posts: 109270
Joined: Mar 11, 2006 7:06 pm
Posted: Aug 19, 2009 11:10 am
Today's Inspirational Message
Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe...
Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe...
rebeccalynne123
Posts: 270
Joined: Apr 14, 2009 7:21 am
Posted: Aug 20, 2009 5:23 pm
B4 I say the Joke I want all to Know I AM NOT racist or prejides. Look I don't even know how to spell it. Ha Ha Ha Anyhows...........
A black guy dies and goes to heaven and Grows a set of Wings he sees St. Peter and Says"Wow, the Lord made me an angel!!" And St. Peter replies," No, your a bat."
I don't know but when I heard it I couldn't stop laughing all day.
A black guy dies and goes to heaven and Grows a set of Wings he sees St. Peter and Says"Wow, the Lord made me an angel!!" And St. Peter replies," No, your a bat."
I don't know but when I heard it I couldn't stop laughing all day.
ecralls
Posts: 17
Joined: Jun 03, 2008 12:06 pm
Posted: Aug 20, 2009 8:43 pm
This is a yo momma joke - Your momma's so big she wears hula hoops around her ankles to keep her socks up TDTAT
Posts: 109270
Joined: Mar 11, 2006 7:06 pm
Posted: Aug 21, 2009 11:27 pm
ecralls, I was wondering if we would get a yo momma joke!
nathan1234
Posts: 744
Joined: May 31, 2009 11:48 pm
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 9:56 pm
I know i have already posted this here and everyones probly heard it a thousand times by now but its a good joke(not that i take pleasure in bashing the dead)but i do love good humor!
"I was watching the news last night and they have finally released the truth about michael jacksons death,
turns out he died from food poisoning
he at a 7 year old weiner
earlier that day ferrah fawcett was granted a dying wish
she wished for all the little children in the world to be happy and safe
Then michael had his lunch!!
"I was watching the news last night and they have finally released the truth about michael jacksons death,
turns out he died from food poisoning
he at a 7 year old weiner
earlier that day ferrah fawcett was granted a dying wish
she wished for all the little children in the world to be happy and safe
Then michael had his lunch!!
NATE'S GREAT!!!
nathan1234
Posts: 744
Joined: May 31, 2009 11:48 pm
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 10:05 pm
As a father i really appriciate this one when it was told to me it was using sons but i have daughters so here it goes.
three young girls come down to the table for breakfast.
the mother asks the oldest girl what she wants to eat
and she replies"Ill have some
french toast
appalled at the childs conduct the mother smacks her and sends her upstairs
she then looks at the other daughter and asks what she wants to eat
and the daughter replies"Well I guess that leaves more french toast for me.
outraged the mother slaps the child and sends her upstairs too.
She then looks at the youngest child and say what would you like?
and the child says in a soft voice, I dont know but i definately dont want the french toast
three young girls come down to the table for breakfast.
the mother asks the oldest girl what she wants to eat
and she replies"Ill have some
french toastappalled at the childs conduct the mother smacks her and sends her upstairs
she then looks at the other daughter and asks what she wants to eat
and the daughter replies"Well I guess that leaves more
french toast for me.outraged the mother slaps the child and sends her upstairs too.
She then looks at the youngest child and say what would you like?
and the child says in a soft voice, I dont know but i definately dont want the
french toast
NATE'S GREAT!!!
nathan1234
Posts: 744
Joined: May 31, 2009 11:48 pm
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 10:37 pm
okay one more just for shits and giggles 
a man is sitting at the superbowl and notices a empty seat near him he leans over to the person sitting near it and says"is this seat taken?" the person replies no it is empty.and the man says"who in their right mind would ever have a seat like this to the superbowl and not use it?
the man said well actually it is my seat ,It was for my wife and she passed away.this is the first superbowl we missed together since we were married
the other man looked at him and said "that is awfull i am really sorry to hear that but wasnt there anyone else that could come with you a friend or relative maybe
The stranger looked at him and said no, nobody could come cause they are all at the funeral!!
a man is sitting at the superbowl and notices a empty seat near him he leans over to the person sitting near it and says"is this seat taken?" the person replies no it is empty.and the man says"who in their right mind would ever have a seat like this to the superbowl and not use it?
the man said well actually it is my seat ,It was for my wife and she passed away.this is the first superbowl we missed together since we were married
the other man looked at him and said "that is awfull i am really sorry to hear that but wasnt there anyone else that could come with you a friend or relative maybe
The stranger looked at him and said no, nobody could come cause they are all at the funeral!!
NATE'S GREAT!!!
PAMNDAVE
Posts: 502
Joined: Oct 12, 2006 9:59 pm
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:01 am
WHAT'S BLACK & WHITE & RED ALL OVER?
A SKUNK IN A BLENDER.
A SKUNK IN A BLENDER.